The Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

You know that feeling you get when you're leaning back in your chair, and it almost tips backward? I feel like that all the time.

I broke a mirror in my house so I'm supposed to get 7 years bad luck, but my lawyer says he can get me 5.

I lost a button hole.

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I like to tease my plants when I water them, I water them with ice cubes.

What do batteries run on?

I got arrested today for scalping low numbers at the Deli.

Curiousity killed the cat. But for a while I was a suspect.